If you’ve found yourself searching for this, you’re not alone. Many men wonder what their role should be in a relationship. Here’s the good news: there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, and that’s actually a great thing.

There are no roles that are inherently more or less appropriate for a man in a relationship.

That said, the roles you play will inevitably be shaped by gendered beliefs and cultural norms rooted in patriarchal systems. These norms influence how we think about responsibilities, expectations, and what it means to “show up” in a relationship.

Instead of focusing on outdated ideas about what a man should do, here’s a better question to consider:

"How can we, as a couple, support each other to play to our strengths, pursue our passions, get the important stuff done, and BOTH feel like we’re contributing in ways that reflect our individual capacities?"

This reframing shifts the focus from gendered expectations to a partnership based on shared values, mutual respect, and intentional choices.

If you’re here because you’re frustrated, wondering why it feels like so much of the weight is on your shoulders, let me start by saying: that’s valid. It’s no coincidence.

In my work as a couples therapist, I’ve seen countless women wrestle with roles that are unfair or overwhelming. While there’s no role that’s inherently meant for women, many of us are handed expectations shaped by patriarchal norms—like being the nurturer, the planner, or the emotional caregiver. These roles often go unexamined and unshared, leaving women feeling exhausted and underappreciated.

So instead of asking, “What is my role?” let’s ask a different question:

"How can we, as a team, support each other to play to our strengths, pursue our passions, get the important things done, and ALL feel like we’re contributing in ways that reflect our individual capacities?"

This question shifts the focus from “shoulds” to possibilities. It’s about building relationship(s0 where the weight is balanced, where each of you feels seen, and where roles reflect your values—not society’s expectations.

Although this isn’t the place to unpack those ideas fully, it’s worth highlighting how patriarchy often shapes relationship roles:

• The Breadwinner vs. The Caregiver: One partner is expected to prioritize earning income, while another takes on unpaid domestic labor.
• The Disciplinarian vs. The Emotional Supporter: One parent handles rules and consequences, while another provides comfort and emotional care.
• The Manager vs. The Assistant: One partner oversees planning and decision-making, delegating tasks to another.
• Indoor vs. Outdoor Work: Housecleaning, cooking, and childcare are seen as “women’s work,” while maintenance and yard work are labeled “men’s work.”
• The ‘Fun’ Parent vs. The ‘Responsible’ Parent: One parent gets to be playful and lenient, while another is left enforcing rules and routines.
• The Social Coordinator: One partner takes on the invisible labor of maintaining friendships, family connections, and social calendars.
• The Decision Maker vs. The Follower: One partner holds the final say on finances, life choices, or parenting, sidelining the others' input.
• The Emotional Laborer: One partner carries the mental load of remembering birthdays, resolving conflicts, and managing the household’s emotional well being.

And fuck, this list could go on forever. Recognising these patterns is a vital first step toward redefining relationship roles in a way that works for you.