Question 1

2. Examine the Rules You Follow

Accepted Answer

Rules are the unspoken beliefs and assumptions that guide how we navigate relationships and attraction. They often reflect cultural myths, personal values, or shared agreements within a relationship. These rules can provide structure, but they’re worth examining—especially when you find yourself attracted to someone else.

Do you have a personal ‘rule’ about attraction? For instance:

"If I’m attracted to someone else, I must either cut them off or pursue them."
"Feeling sexual chemistry means I should question my current relationship."
"Flirting or fantasising about someone else is cheating."

Take a moment to ask yourself: Is this rule serving me? Is it rooted in my current values, or is it an inherited belief I’ve never questioned?

Here’s an example: “When I was younger, I believed ‘when you love someone, you stay no matter what.’ This rule kept me in a relationship that wasn’t working, even when I felt a strong connection with someone else. Years later, I redefined that rule, learning it’s okay to change my mind—and it allowed me to build a stronger, healthier partnership.”

What about the rules within your relationship structure? (monogamous, polyamorous, ENM, open?) Have you and your partner(s) agreed on how to approach attraction to others? Do you and your partner(s) have a clear framework for navigating new erotic or intimate experiences together? Ideally, these are conversations you’ve already had, but if not, this moment might be an opportunity to explore what’s important to you both.

Finally, consider whether there are social or environmental rules in play. For example:

"Don’t pursue a colleague—it complicates work."
"Keep relationships outside of shared social circles."

These rules exist for a reason—boundaries often prevent long-term complications in your personal and professional life. Ask yourself: What impact would acting on this attraction have on my relationships, my work, or my community?

By reflecting on your personal, relational, and social rules, you can bring clarity to what feels right for you in this moment.

Question 2

3. Discover the Realms of Influence

Accepted Answer

Realms are the broader influences that shape your experience of being attracted to someone else, drawing on personal, developmental, and environmental factors. These realms provide valuable context for understanding your feelings without rushing to conclusions or judgments.

Neurodivergence and Hyperfocus
For some neurodivergent folks—especially those with ADHD—new attraction can feel like a hyperfixation: vivid, all-consuming, and hard to shake. If you're someone who forms intense connections quickly (hi, same 👋), ask yourself: Is this a familiar pattern that usually settles down, or does it feel meaningfully different this time? There’s no right answer—just something to notice.
The Natural Rhythms of Relationship
Is this part of the natural rhythm of your relationship? Relationships evolve through natural cycles of relationship stages. Feeling dissatisfied, wondering if this is as good as it gets, or being attracted to someone else is a normal experience in long-term partnerships. This doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong: It could be an invitation to grow, reconnect, or explore new depths with your current partner—or it might signal that your partnership has run its course.
Environmental Influence
Context matters. Did this attraction emerge in a setting where you felt especially alive, inspired, or free? Sometimes we associate those powerful feelings with the person we were with when we felt them. The attraction might still be real—but the environment may be amplifying it in ways worth noticing.

These are just a few of the realms that help shape attraction—and exploring their different aspects can bring understanding and insight to your experience. If you want to go deeper, the Realms of Experience: First Steps Workbook guides you through even more dimensions, helping you explore how identity, culture, values, and lived experience all play a part.

Question 3

1. Explore the Roles in Play

Accepted Answer

Roles are flexible patterns of behaviour we adopt across different realms of life. They’re shaped by cultural norms, family dynamics, personal experiences, and the environments we navigate. These roles not only emerge in the dynamics between people but also connect us to our identities, values, and even the way we respond when we’re attracted to someone else.

Take a moment to reflect: Are any of your roles being activated in this experience of attraction?

Perhaps a familial role shaped by childhood dynamics is at play—do you feel like the caregiver, seeking someone who needs nurturing, or the rebel, drawn to someone who represents freedom from routine?
Or maybe a relational role is driving your response. Are you accustomed to being the initiator in relationships, always pushing for growth and excitement? If so, this new attraction might feel like a reprieve from the fatigue of always being the one to lead.
Consider whether gendered roles are at play. Are you responding to a dynamic where this person embodies traits you’ve been conditioned to desire, or are they reminding you of an unfulfilled expectation you hold about partnership?
Is this a pattern?
Have you felt this way in past relationships? Are you interpreting your partner’s behaviour through a lens that makes them seem less exciting compared to this new person?
Recognizing these patterns is the first step—but what happens next? You might start seeing the roles that shape your relationships, but without deeper reflection, it’s easy to stay on the surface. The more clearly you understand these roles, the more intentional you can be about them.

Relationship Challenges

Why Am I Attracted to Them? (And What Does It Say About Me?)

How to Stop Being Attracted (or Not—Let’s Unpack It)

Emotional Labour in Relationships: The Invisible Grind of Soothing, Shielding, and Showing Up

Beyond Paranoia Questions: How to Work Through Friendship Anxiety and Build Real Connection

Ghosted By a Friend? Here’s What You Might Be Missing

Dealing With Passive Aggressive Behaviour

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