Ghosted By a Friend? Here’s What You Might Be Missing
Broken friendships often stem from unmet expectations or miscommunication, while feeling ghosted by a friend can create unnecessary distance. Learn practical tips to build flexibility, communicate effectively, and turn challenging relationships into resilient and meaningful connections. Friendships aren’t always effortless, and that’s okay! The strongest connections come from navigating differences, managing expectations, and embracing flexibility.
Why Friendships Fade: The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Friendships are often at risk of fading or ending when they are no longer convenient or comfortable.
When your friend doesn’t behave how you expect, gives you honest feedback, or isn’t available in the way you’d like, your friendship might feel broken, you might even feel ghosted by a friend, or decide to end the friendship altogether. But it’s more than that—many of us tell ourselves a story about why it’s their fault.
You might think or say things like:
- They’re too busy these days (I feel left out).
- They take too long to reply (I guess I’m not important).
- They care more about their new partner/kids/study/job (than me).
- We’re too different now.
- We’ve grown apart
- It just feels too hard .
These narratives can make us feel justified in letting a friendship fade. But are they the whole truth?
Why Friendships Sometimes Feel Broken or End Suddenly
Two key factors often determine whether a friendship thrives or feels like it’s falling apart, even to the point of feeling ghosted by a friend:
- Unreasonable or unarticulated expectations
- The natural rhythms of daily life
Unarticulated or Unreasonable Expectations
In my 30s, my heart was broken by a woman I thought would be a lifelong friend. I fucking loved her—she was funny, fierce, and had the most generous soul. When our friendship blew up, it completely blind-sided me.
So, what happened? (Spoiler: unarticulated expectations.)
Over time, my sporadic communication patterns really pissed her off. Honestly, I get it—lots of folks hate slow (or no) replies to texts... But what makes me saddest is that she never told me it was an issue until she was so angry and resentful that we went from zero to a thousand in two minutes.
How do you know if your expectations are 'unreasonable'?
The truth is, you probably won’t ever know for sure.
I could list common reasons why friendships break down or why someone might feel ghosted by a friend, but the reality is, expectations and preferences are deeply personal.
For example, in my 40s, I’ve learned to articulate—early and often—to both new and old friends that texting isn’t my thing. I genuinely hate it and, frankly, I’m terrible at keeping up. Expecting me to stay connected that way isn’t unreasonable, but it can lead to frustration and disappointment if it’s the main channel of communication. My most resilient friendships easily navigate this mismatch by finding other ways to stay in touch and adapting as needed.
The best approach is to get clear on your expectations and desires, communicate them openly, and adapt to the unique dynamics of each friendship.
The Natural Rhythms of Life
Life has many facets, and there’s no such thing as perfect balance. Instead, we experience natural ebbs and flows in time, energy, and attention.
Sometimes, your priorities shift temporarily—like when you’re moving house, starting a new job, or meeting a new partner. Other times, it’s a more permanent shift, like having a baby, moving to a new city, or making major lifestyle changes. These changes mean that other areas of your life, including friendships, may get less attention.
Every friendship will experience these ebbs and flows. Sometimes, your friends will be focused on their health, career, or family, and less on your friendship.
The difference? Those who feel ghosted by a friend or experience broken friendships often interpret these natural ebbs and flows as being about them—when, in truth, it’s not about them at all.
How Do You Navigate Friendship Challenges?
Friendship challenges often reflect our expectations and communication habits. How we respond to unreturned texts, disagreements, or life changes can strengthen connections—or push friends away.
These challenging behaviours help you reflect on patterns that may lead to broken friendships, feeling ghosted by a friend, or losing meaningful friendships.
- If a friend doesn’t reply to a text, call, or invitation, I assume I’ve been ghosted by a friend or demand explanations instead of checking if they’re okay.
- If I don’t hear from a friend for a while, I stop reaching out, assuming they’ve lost interest in the friendship.
- After a disagreement on something deeply important, I decide the friendship has run its course.
- I avoid friendships with people whose opinions or lifestyles are very different from mine.
- I’ve said things like, “Who even does that?!” about a friend to someone else.
- After an argument, I assume we’ll drift apart rather than work through it.
- When a friend’s life circumstances change—like having a baby or moving—I don’t stay in touch, expecting them to take the initiative.
- If a friend breaks my trust, I treat it as a deal breaker and don’t consider rebuilding the connection.
- When a friend gives feedback I dislike, I consider ending the friendship rather than reflecting on it.
- I make decisions about friendships without discussing my thoughts or feelings with the friend involved.
What Are the Elements of Resilient Friendships?
The key to avoiding feeling ghosted by a friend or losing meaningful connections is to develop self-awareness and relational skills. Resilient friendships thrive when you focus on:
- Navigating Flows and Ebbs in Friendships: Understanding that friendships naturally shift with life’s changes.
- Building Flexible Friendships: Adapting to differences in communication, priorities, and lifestyles.
- Embracing Feedback in Friendships: Learning to give and receive feedback without fear of damaging the relationship.
These elements help create stronger, more lasting bonds, even when friendships face challenges.
Tips for Navigating Friendship Ebbs and Flows
Friendships have a natural ebb and flow—there will be times when you feel close and connected, and others where distance might creep in. This is a normal part of life as we juggle the demands of work, family, and lifestyle.
It doesn’t mean anything inherently negative about you, your friend, or your relationship.
Allowing friendships room to breathe is crucial for building resilient connections. The key is recognising that change is inevitable, and people grow and shift with their circumstances. This might coincide with transitional events like moving house, starting a new job, or becoming a parent.
To avoid broken friendships or being ghosted by a friend, navigate these natural cycles by assuming there will be times when your friend has other priorities. Here’s how to manage these times:
1. Name Your Experience
Identify your feelings and the story you’re telling yourself.
For example:
"Billy hasn’t wanted to hang out for a month, and I feel lonely. I’m telling myself that I’m not important to Billy because, if I were, they would make time for me."
Broken friendships assume these stories are facts, but resilient connections leave room for interpretation.
2. Process Your Feelings
Take responsibility for your emotions instead of blaming others. By cultivating emotional self-awareness, you will shift the dynamic from shame & blame to being a goddamn grownup. This is relational work in action.
Broken friendships place blame, while resilient ones focus on emotional hygiene.
3. Choose the Most Generous Interpretation
Imagine a positive reason for their actions:
- "They’ve just moved and are likely overwhelmed."
- "I've been wrong about being ghosted by a friend before, it's probably the same thing here."
- "Reconnecting after losing touch can feel awkward—I’ve been there."
- "I hope they're okay, I'll check in and see"
- "Maybe they’re afraid of making a mistake and need time to feel comfortable again."
Broken friendships assume the worst; resilient ones offer grace.
4. Acknowledge the Unknown
You can’t always know what’s happening in someone’s life. Mental health struggles, relationship issues, or personal challenges might prevent them from reaching out. Sometimes you won't know for years, and sometimes you'll never know what happened, but don't assume you've been ghosted by a friend.
Broken friendships take these absences personally; resilient ones understand it’s likely not about you.
5. Let Them Know You Miss Them
Reach out in small, consistent ways, like sharing a weekly meme, a monthly text, or an occasional email update.
Broken friendships demand explanations; resilient ones make space for reconnection.
6. Express Your Hurt With Care
Let them know you miss them and feel hurt, but frame it in a way that centres your care for the friendship. Create a safe space for an honest conversation.
Broken friendships expect others to read your mind, but resilient ones prioritise clear communication.
7. Reassess Your Circle
If efforts to reconnect don’t feel reciprocal, it might be time to re-evaluate the friendship. Relationships are fluid—someone may shift from a best friend to an acquaintance, and that’s okay.
Broken friendships demand constancy; resilient ones adapt to changing roles.
By embracing these practices, you can build stronger, more flexible connections and avoid feeling ghosted by a friend or stuck in broken friendships.
Tips for Building Flexible Friendships
Some friendships may feel 'high maintenance' because their expectations differ from yours. This isn’t inherently bad—it simply reflects different desires, lifestyles, and ways of engaging. It’s healthy to nurture a variety of relationships, even if some require more time, energy, and attention.
If you only maintain 'easy' friendships, you might be avoiding relational challenges. This tendency can lead to superficial friendships or a higher risk of being ghosted by a friend, where differences are left unexamined, and deeper connections are missed. To avoid broken friendships—or friendships that feel one-sided—assume there will be differences between you and your friends. Here’s how to build flexibility in your friendships:
1. Get Clear on Your Friendship Preferences
Reflect on what works best for you. Consider questions like:
- How often do you want to spend time together?
- How long is okay for a response to a text?
- Do you prefer one-on-one time or group activities?
- What types of activities do you enjoy doing together?
- How do you feel valued in a friendship?
Recognise these as personal preferences only!
Broken friendships assume their preferences are 'normal' or 'reasonable' for everyone.
2. Communicate Your Desires Clearly and Regularly
Transparency helps avoid misunderstandings or passive aggressive behaviour. For example:
- "I’d love to catch up every 4–6 weeks, but less often is fine too. How does that work for you?"
- "I don’t love evening plans because I’m usually tired, but mornings work best for me. Do you have a time of day you prefer?"
- "I like doing activities with you, what do you enjoy most when we're together?"
Broken friendships assume others know what you want—and if they don’t comply it’s deliberate.
3. Get Curious About Your Friend’s Preferences
Ask your friend about their sweet spot for friendship. Consider the same questions you reflected on earlier:
- How often do they prefer to meet?
- Do they like group or one-on-one activities?
- How do they feel valued?
Recognise these as their preferences—not universal rules.
Broken friendships assume they already know what others need.
4. Clarify Their Desires Regularly
Don’t assume you understand all their preferences. Friendships change, and so do people. Check in regularly, like:
- "It seems like seeing each other every few months doesn’t work for you. Would you prefer more frequent catch-ups?"
- "I usually call on weekdays, but you respond on weekends. Is there a better time for me to reach you?"
- "Is it more convenient for you to meet halfway? Or can we take turns with location?"
Broken friendships avoid seeking clarity or confirmation, leading to miscommunication.
5. Maintain Boundaries and Know Your Limits
Flexibility doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. Get clear on the basics of good boundaries, identify what works for you and take responsibility for your well-being. For example:
- "I don’t love evening outings because of my energy levels, but I make exceptions for special occasions and allow recovery time afterward."
This helps maintain flexibility while avoiding resentment or guilt.
Broken friendships blame others for unmet needs or over-commitment.
6. Embrace Experimentation
Friendships evolve, and so do you. Trying new things together keeps relationships dynamic and fun. Think of it as an experiment: some things will work, others won’t, and that’s okay.
Broken friendships resist change out of fear or discomfort.
7. Address Relational Friction Directly
Don’t let issues fester or allow a friendship to drift. Instead, bring up your concerns with curiosity and care. For example:
- "I’ve been feeling a bit anxious about our friendship, and the story I’m telling myself is that you don’t want to see me as often. Can we talk about how things are for you?"
Broken friendships avoid discomfort and pretend things are fine.
Tips for Embracing Feedback in Friendships
To avoid broken friendships—or feeling ghosted by a friend—you need to embrace the reality that your friends will inevitably let you down, disappoint you, and make you question the friendship at times. This isn’t a sign that something is wrong—it’s simply the nature of relationships.
We often assume we’re more alike than different, which is true in many ways, but discovering differences can feel surprising or even hurtful. Over time, friendships will encounter polarising opinions, broken trust, unmet expectations, and disappointments.
These moments stem from the delightful differences in our beliefs and behaviours (which make human diversity so exciting)!
Here’s how to develop feedback skills and routines to build stronger, more resilient connections:
1. Learn to Receive Feedback
Receiving feedback with grace is a lifelong skill. Many of us deflect positive feedback and defend against negative feedback, but growth comes from approaching life as an iterative experiment.
Look for the kernel of truth. Process your emotions. Consider the perspectives of others. Integrate. Repeat.
Broken friendships respond defensively or with drama.
2. Ask for Feedback From Your Friends
Get curious about how your friends experience your friendship. Ask questions like:
- "What do you like best about our friendship?"
- "What qualities do you appreciate in me as a friend?"
- "What do you find challenging about our friendship?"
Broken friendships avoid relational questions and the vulnerability they require.
3. Clarify Feedback Early and Often
Make sure you understand the feedback and provide space for your friend to process their feelings. Ask what they would like to see instead of making assumptions.
Broken friendships assume interpretations are always correct without seeking clarity.
4. Communicate Feedback Clearly and Regularly
Feedback isn’t about confrontation or big issues; it’s often small, simple messages about what you like or don’t like. Positive feedback is especially important—don’t skip it!
Broken friendships fail to share insights into personal experiences.
5. Practice Emotional Hygiene
Process your emotions before entering a feedback conversation. While it’s okay to feel emotional, it’s crucial not to let those emotions take over during the discussion.
Broken friendships let emotions dominate the moment.
6. Learn to Give Feedback With Care
Giving high-quality, "clean" feedback is a brave and lifelong skill. Focus on sharing your message without emotional hooks. Tools like Brené Brown’s engaged feedback checklist can help refine this skill.
Broken friendships use feedback as an outlet for blame or emotional outbursts.
7. Explore Your Own Friendship Needs
Reflect on your emotional responses in friendships. Ask yourself:
- "What needs, desires, or dreams are not being met?"
- "Where did I learn to want those things?"
- "How can I fulfill those needs within myself or invite fulfillment from others?"
Broken friendships expect others to meet all relational needs and desires.
When to Seek Professional Support
If these challenges are frequent across your friendships—or concentrated within one relationship—it may be time to seek professional guidance. While it doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong, exploring your friendship dynamics with a therapist can provide valuable insight and clarity.