How to Stop Fighting in Relationships (Before the Sh!t Hits)
We've all been there before, a spicy conversation leads to escalating tensions and suddenly IT'S ON. This tool is designed to help you increase self awareness, handle emotional stress, and learn how to stop fighting in relationships (before the shi!t hits)
We've all been there before, a spicy conversation spirals into escalating tensions and suddenly IT'S ON.
Whether you call it being overwhelmed, pissed off, shut down, or some other flavour of 'too much', you're beyond the point of no return. Pushing through fights in this state is worse than unproductive—it damages your connection with your partner/s and, over time, may lead to chronic stress or illness.
This mashup of the wisdom of Kenny Rogers and the colour coding of traffic lights shows how to stop fighting in relationships by knowing when to... well, you know how it goes.
Why It’s Important to Stop Fighting in Relationships
I frequently see couples launching into difficult conversations without considering each other’s mental, emotional, or physical capacity. Despite escalating emotions they pursue the topic (wanting resolution)... the drama cycle kicks in... and here we fucking go again.
They think resolving the issue is 'how to stop fighting', but they don't realise it's their approach that's the problem.
When emotions are escalating;
Your emotions → trigger a response in your body which → razzes or relaxes your nervous system → and affects your thoughts and ability to act.
In contrast, when you learn how to stop fighting (before it even starts) you can bring your best selves to those spicy conversations.
How Fighting Affects Your Nervous System in Relationships
Your brain continually monitors your environment and adjusts the way your body uses energy so you can respond. There are a couple of key players involved in how your nervous system reacts during fights:
The Amygdala -
Known by Bessel Van der Kolk as the brains 'smoke alarm', the amygdala monitors for danger. That assessment happens in an instant, before we have the chance for rational thought.
Some of us have an amygdala that is dialed up (think: smoke alarm goes off when a crumb gets smoky in the toaster), and some of us have an amygdala that is dialed down (think: house is burning but no alarm).
Amygdala Hijack -
Depending on your history with conflict, your amygdala may assess a difficult conversation as dangerous.
At this point you'll experience what Dan Goleman calls "amygdala hijack"- an emotional response that is disproportionate to the actual moment because your feelings, thoughts, & actions are driven by a historical criteria for action. Like, you're responding to the present informed by your past.
Nervous System Accelerator & Brake-
It's helpful to imagine your nervous system having an 'accelerator' and a 'brake'. The accelerator gets you razzed, speeds your body up, & makes energy available. In contrast, the 'brake' slows your body down & saves energy.
Dr Mona DeKoven Fishbane writes in her book Loving With the Brain in Mind: Neurobiology and Couple Therapy
"The subcortical, physiological experience of emotion is much faster than our cortical awareness, which catches up and names the feeling."
That's a fancy way of saying that the accelerator & brake aren't manually controlled; they automatically respond to your emotions faster than rational thought. That means your nervous system is razzing or relaxing BEFORE you decide what you think. Another way of saying that is your thoughts & feelings are GENERATED by your nervous system response.
Not knowing how to stop fighting in relationships is often stressful, sometimes triggers a strong nervous system response, and is almost always objectively shit.
Stress & Spicy Conversations
Spicy conversations (or even thinking about them) can be interpreted by your body & brain as a stressful event. Your nervous system will respond to prepare you for that event in line with your previous experiences of conflict. For some of us that means getting revved up (more energy, faster heart rate), for others it might mean putting on the brakes (less energy, slowing down), and for still others it might be a combo of both.
At a certain intensity, frequency, or duration of tricky chats, one or both of you will get maxed out. The heart of how to stop fighting in relationships is to recognize that when you’re maxed out, your brain is on autopilot, and you don’t get to choose your thoughts, feelings, or actions.
The first step in learning how to stop fighting before it escalates is to tune into what's happening in your body.
The level where stress becomes a problem is different for every single one of us, and it can even change for each of us at different times. I might handle stress well today (I'm happy, it's sunny, I've taken my meds, and I had great sleep) versus last Tuesday (when my energy crashed, I felt bad, and had the weirds). Those bad/weird days are when I’m much less likely to have the capacity to stop fighting before it starts, and I’m more likely to head straight into an unproductive and difficult conversation.
Stress becomes an issue in relationships when one or more partner/s;
- Ignore their body’s signals to stop or rest.
- Experience a stressful situation for too long.
- Have stressful events happen too frequently.
- Experience a stressful event that’s too high in intensity.
- Can’t relax in between (e.g., thinking about a stressful situation even though they’re not in it).
- Don’t process that stress to return to their baseline.
- Don’t engage with (or care about) how to stop fighting constructively.
How to Stop Fighting With the Traffic Light Tool
I use a traffic light tool to help partner/s manage emotions, communicate effectively, and learn how to stop fighting in relationships.
In this tool;
- Red Light = Survival Mode [Stop!]
- Yellow Light = Reactive Mode [Slow The Fuck Down]
- Green Light = Proactive Mode [Play On]
This tool is designed to increase self awareness, practice how to manage emotional responses, and prevent difficult conversations from escalating into conflict or gridlock.
1. Play On (Green Light)
The flip side of learning how to stop fighting in relationships is knowing when to keep going!
Weirdly Kenny Rogers doesn't really address that... so I guess in the absence of holding, folding, walking or running you just keep on playing? IMHO when it comes to cards & conversations it's good to know when to do what.
When you’re feeling resilient, relaxed, and resourceful, I describe this as being in Green Mode. This mode is symbolised by a green traffic light, meaning "Play On." In Green Mode, it’s easy to identify your emotions, manage emotional changes, and be creative, collaborative, and proactive with your partner/s.
For some people, this feels good:
- Relaxed muscles.
- Heart rate in the normal range.
- Easy breathing.
- Thoughts that are clear and calm.
Some of us don’t access this state often and may experience background tension or anxiety most of the time. That’s okay. Practicing awareness of what Green Mode feels like for you is a key step in learning how to stop fighting and building better communication.
If you were to finish this sentence “I know I'm in Green Mode when I…” what would you say?
2. When to Hold Them (Green→Yellow Light)
I reckon one of the hardest things relationally is knowing when to Hold Them.
You've a bone to pick, a request to make, questions, comments, or feedback, and you want it sorted. Like, now.
Sustainable relationships require a more discerning approach than "say it as you see it", and this model helps to make that choice. For example, you might feel like you’re in Green Mode, but you still have limited capacity for managing emotions. Those days where you feel good, but you’ve got juuuuuust enough juice left to make it to bed. Ya know?
Holding Them means having the wisdom to know that today’s not the day. Sometimes, learning how to stop fighting in relationships is as simple as deciding not to even start the conversation.
Here's some key considerations;
- How is your partner/s feeling?
- What are your emotions telling you?
- Do you have the time, energy, and attention for this now?
Holding Them is a decision you make when;
- You and your partner are in Green Mode, but you want to prioritise something else (like fun, pleasure, rest, or other things!).
- You’re in Green Mode, but you think the conversation is bigger than what you can handle today.
- One or more of you is in Yellow Mode.
If you were to finish this sentence “I know I Should Hold Them when I…” what would you say?
3. When to Fold Them (Yellow Light)
Okay, changed my mind... knowing when to fold them is way harder!
Sometimes you get it wrong. You start a spicy chat, then realise you’re in Yellow Mode and need to make an early decision to postpone the conversation. This isn’t even about HOW to stop fighting in relationships—it’s about WHEN!
This happens in my house on the regular. We think we’re good, start to work through a thing, only for one of us to realise we’re maxed out. We say something like, "Wait, I don’t actually have capacity for this. Can we raincheck?"
When it feels like shits starting to get to you, I describe this as being in Yellow Mode. It's symbolised by a yellow traffic light, which means "slow the fuck down"!
For some people, Yellow Mode feels like low-key razzing up:
- Heart rate increasing.
- Breath getting faster.
- Thoughts becoming more combative.
For others, it might feel like shutting down or numbing out. The body gets slower, and thoughts become less clear. Whichever it is for you, that’s okay. Recognising these signals is a key step in learning how to stop fighting before it escalates.
If you were to finish this sentence “I know I'm in Yellow Mode when I…” what would you say?
4. When to Walk Away (Yellow→Red Light)
Walking Away is the strategy you use when you’ve missed the signals to Hold or Fold, and you or your partner/s are heading into the red zone.
For a while, this might be where you operate while you're getting more skilled at how to stop the arguing . Initially it's easier or more obvious to notice this state, but it's also harder to take appropriate action this late in the game.
Walking Away is a decision that you make when:
- One or both of you are headed for Red Mode.
- You need a break, now.
- Your conversation partner/s is acting in bad faith.
Walking away means having the wisdom to cut your losses and manage your emotions instead of getting sucked into the drama.
This might feel similar to Green → Yellow, but it’s often harder to access this information because, in these phases, your nervous system is making automatic decisions about whether to apply the brake, the accelerator, or both. That means you’re not able to process emotions or think clearly in the moment.
The process for stopping fights at this stage is simple: take a break and spend some time apart.
If you were to finish this sentence “I know I Should Walk Away when I…” what would you say?
5. When to Run (Red Light)
This is the danger zone, where relationships deteriorate, nervous systems dysregulate, and everything turns to shit.
Running is a last resort—it doesn’t always happen at full speed (or at all). This option isn’t about learning how to stop fighting in relationships; it’s about limiting the damage when things have gone too far.
Red Mode is symbolised by a red traffic light, which means "Stop"!
I’ve called this "When to Run" because it’s crucial in this mode to leave the situation and go somewhere you can rest and reset.
Your personal response will depend on your go-to fear response—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—and it will also be context-dependent. You know? Like it depends on the situation and the day.
Don’t worry too much about identifying it upfront—this is an ongoing enquiry into what is happening for you in any given moment.
If you were to finish this sentence “I know I'm in Red Mode when I…” what would you say?
6. What This Isn't
There’s a damaging dynamic in relationships where one partner believes they’re the logical and rational one, while the other is emotional (and therefore irrational).
This partner might weaponise tools like the Traffic Light Tool, positioning themselves as always being in Green Mode and their partner as dysregulated or in Red.
Let me be clear: it’s bullshit that anyone is purely logical and rational!
We’re ALL emotionally driven, and just because someone doesn’t cry or get visibly escalated doesn’t mean:
- a) They’re clearer thinkers (or more "rational").
- b) They’re better decision-makers.
- c) They’re not actually having an emotional response.
If you’re reading this and recognising yourself, take a moment to check if you ARE the asshole. If you are, a huge part of your journey in learning how to stop fighting in relationships will be developing your emotional intelligence.
Developing an Action Plan
This is an ongoing experiment, not a one-and-done solution. Over time, as you develop your skills in this area, you’ll become more discerning. You’ll notice more data, become aware of even finer distinctions within and between modes, and build confidence in how to stop fighting in relationships.
As you get curious with yourself and your partner/s, you can create an iterative action plan for stopping fights before they escalate. This might include:
- My traffic lights: Signals, messages, and behaviour.
- Their traffic lights: Signals, messages, and behaviour.
- Agreements: Taking timeouts, scheduling conversations, and setting boundaries.
- Shortcuts: How you’ll communicate modes with each other.
- Emotional hygiene: How you proactively manage stress.
- Strategies for emotional first-aid: Specific activities to help calm your mind and body.
- Requests for emotional first-aid: Specific activities your partner can do to help calm your mind and body.
- Their strategies for emotional first-aid: Activities they do to calm their mind and body.
- Their requests for emotional first-aid: Activities you do to help calm your partner/s’ mind and body.
You can work through this by talking it through with your partner/s using the headings above to guide your discussion. I’ve also created a beautiful workbook that steps you through the process, which you can purchase below.
The Traffic Lights Workbook [Printable PDF Download]
The Traffic Lights Workbook includes a fully illustrated explanation of the Traffic Light System, PLUS worksheets with reflection questions, space to make notes, and printable summaries.
This digital PDF download is available in multiple formats to suit your needs:
- Full colour PDF eBook + worksheets.
- Minimalist PDF version + worksheets
(dyslexia & printer friendly).
Select Licensing Option: