Question 1

Is It Normal to Be Sexually Attracted to Someone Else While in a Relationship?

Accepted Answer

Yes, it absolutely IS normal to be sexually attracted to someone else when you are in a relationship, and
Yes it is absolutely normal NOT to be sexually attracted to someone else when you are in a relationship.

As with every aspect of sexuality & relationships, there is no normal. Your experience and desires are valid and worthy of attention.

This type of meaning-making—asking "is it normal to...?"—comes from how we've been taught to reflect on ourselves by comparing to others. But the truth is, no one is exactly the same, so asking this question can become its own kind of trap. It often leads to shame and blame, which serve no one—not you, not them, and not your relationship(s).

On the other hand, asking curious questions is a healthy and resourceful way to learn more about yourself and your situation. You're in luck—I've put together some questions to help you gain more clarity and perspective on your attraction story (keep reading).

Question 2

Why Am I Sexually Attracted to Someone Else?

Accepted Answer

This is a little bit the same as the previous question, with a dash of sorrow.

It's equal parts "why is this happening to me?" and "is there something wrong with me?" and "this is confusing/painful/challenging" and "what the fuck do I do?"

The basic answer is: biopsychosocial, bitches!

That is, you are having a chemical & physiological reaction to someone, who also ticks some boxes about what you think is hot.

But I don't think that'll ease your pain. Your answer will be the result of deep introspection, embodied exploration, and experimentation. I hope as you engage with the reflections & experiments below you will begin to uncover the answers that resonate uniquely for you.

Question 3

Does This Mean My Relationship is Over?

Accepted Answer

There's a weird narrative that sexual energy is either dangerous (and must be stamped out), or destiny (and must be pursued).

In a relationship with rigid rules about what constitutes infidelity, being attracted to someone else might be interpreted as a betrayal. In this context the chemistry of sexual energy can be seen to have a life of its own. It lures the unwilling to cheat, or lie, or otherwise betray their partner. “If I play in this sexual energy, then I am cheating”.

This kind of belief will lead to a 'block' approach, where the partner experiencing the attraction is expected to override and shutdown their attraction, and in more extreme scenarios to end any contact with the other. I'm not a fan of this approach, because it infantilises people who are experiencing attraction, and perpetuates the idea that solutions are binary (this is usually framed in this context as an ultimatum).

The other side of this belief is that if one doesn’t block sexual energy, then the only other option is to fuck it.

That is, this chemistry is so strong that;

I am too weak to fight it (or don’t want to)
If my partner spends time in proximity or privacy with this person then sex is inevitable
Or, it must mean that this other relationship is meant to be.

None of the above is true. Being attracted to someone else is an inherently neutral event. It doesn't mean anything at all. We're all grown here and get to choose how to engage with others!

I invite you to be gentle with yourself, and curious, as you consider the questions in the action taking section below.

Question 4

1. Reflect on Your Identities

Accepted Answer

How do your personal identities and lived experiences influence your feelings of being attracted to someone else? Reflect on aspects such as gender, culture, sexuality, neurodivergence, or past relationships.

What draws you to this person?
Are they reflecting a part of yourself that you value—or perhaps a part you wish to explore or understand more deeply?

By examining the role of your identity in this attraction, you can uncover hidden layers of meaning and gain a clearer understanding of what’s truly driving your feelings.

Question 5

2. Examine the Systems Around You

Accepted Answer

What systems are you navigating in this experience of being attracted to someone else? These could include work dynamics, family ties, friend groups, or community networks. Reflecting on these systems can help you understand how external structures shape your feelings and choices.

Consider:

Have work pressures increased the friction with your current partner(s)?
Do relational systems like monogamy, polyamory, or ENM provide clarity about how to approach this connection?
Have media narratives or representations of similar situations influenced how you interpret this attraction?

Systems provide structure and guidance but can also impose constraints. Taking time to understand the dynamics at play helps you navigate them thoughtfully and with greater awareness.

Question 6

3. Uncover Societal Influences

Accepted Answer

How do societal narratives shape the way you interpret being attracted to someone else? Broader cultural messages can influence your feelings and the meaning you assign to them.

Consider:

Are cultural expectations about how relationships should progress influencing your emotions?
Are societal norms around monogamy, gender roles, or sexuality shaping your interpretation of this connection?
Are feelings of shame or societal taboos impacting how you view this attraction or your response to it?

Reflecting on these societal forces can help you recognise whether external pressures are amplifying your emotions or creating unnecessary conflict. By understanding these influences, you can navigate your experience with greater clarity and authenticity.

Question 7

1. Consider Staying

Accepted Answer

If you’re feeling attracted to someone else, but your relationship still feels worth investing in, focus on how you can address challenges or reconnect. This might include:

Seeking therapy: Explore individual or couples therapy to identify and work through unresolved dynamics. I frequently work with individuals, couples, and polycules to navigate the complexities of an attraction to someone else in a way that is compassionate and meaningful. If this resonates with you, book a free Meet & Greet below to see if we’re a good fit to work together.
Discussing with your partner: If your relationship is on the line, include your partner. It’s discourteous—and frankly uncool—to make a decision that affects both of you unilaterally. Honest communication can be challenging, but it’s an essential step toward understanding what’s right for both of you.
Reinvigorating connection: Turn back towards your partner to nurture intimacy, rediscover shared goals, and rebuild the sense of partnership.

Question 8

2. Consider Leaving

Accepted Answer

If you’re feeling attracted to someone else and staying doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to explore the possibility of leaving. Some steps to consider:

Take your time: Reflect on whether leaving aligns with your values and long-term happiness. Rushing into a decision can lead to regret, so give yourself the space to think it through.
Discussing with your partner: If your relationship is on the line, include your partner. It’s discourteous—and frankly uncool—to make a decision that affects both of you unilaterally. It's pretty likely they're aware of any issues you have, and may be relieved for the opportunity to have that conversation.
Don't be a dick: I frequently work with individuals, couples, and polycules to navigate separation in a way that is compassionate and meaningful. Ending a relationship doesn’t have to be awful—it can be an intentional process that honours the connection you’ve shared. If this resonates with you, book a free Meet & Greet below to see if we’re a good fit to work together.

Question 9

3. ¿Por Qué No Los Dos?

Accepted Answer

Not just for Gen X Australians - yes, it’s a deep cut, which means you’re officially old- now you can have your cake and eat it too. Whether you’re new to ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or already navigating open relationships, intentional communication and continuous growth are key to fostering healthy connections. Here are some important considerations:

Take It Slow When Expanding
Even for those experienced in ENM, integrating a new partner or shifting relationship dynamics can benefit from a slower pace. Rushing often leads to unarticulated desires or unclear boundaries. I frequently work with individuals, couples, and polycules to revisit and refine agreements when changes arise.
Prioritise Education and Growth
There’s always more to learn about ENM and relationships in general. My Bibliotherapy and Books page is packed with carefully chosen resources that align with my values. These recommendations are not just for those exploring ENM—tthey’re gold-standard recommendations for building stronger connections and navigating relationships of all kinds.
Seek Support to Navigate Change
Healthy ENM involves balancing the needs of each relationship within the broader context of your life. Whether you’re troubleshooting a specific challenge or looking to strengthen your relational skills, I support individuals, couples, and polycules in maintaining healthy, connected, and consensual non-monogamous relationships. This work often includes enhancing communication, rebuilding trust, or navigating feelings of jealousy and insecurity.

If you're looking for support, I work with individuals, couples, and polycules to navigate dynamics and create a path forward—book a free Meet & Greet to see if we’re a good fit!

Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM)

Help! I’m Attracted to Someone Else: How to Handle Sexual Chemistry When You’re In a Relationship

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